Maybe you were busy going to parties and hobnobbing with celebrities on boats-which of course I would totally understand. Goal celebrations are covered under Law 12 of FIFA’s Rules of the Game-maybe you remember we talked about this law way back in our first installment, when we were talking about players taking their shirts off after they score? Maybe you read that essay. Well … it’s not 100 percent clear that they know. They think they’ll get penalized in some way if all 10 of their outfield players end up out of bounds, so they’re trying to make sure one guy-Fonte-stays on the pitch. The best guess seems to be that the team is trying not to run afoul of FIFA’s rules involving goal celebrations and restarts after goal celebrations. There’s a surprising amount of debate around the issue, it turns out. So what is actually happening with Fonte in this moment? ![]() What Is Actually Happening With José Fonte And then, at the most dramatic possible moment, they turn to him like, YOU ACTUALLY FELL FOR IT, YOU FELL FOR IT, YOU IDIOT.Īnd then they all retire, and move on to their next prank. ![]() Step 4: We qualify for the 2018 World Cup.Īnd so forth. That idiot will never see through the trick. We make him think we like him for who he is. Step 3: We spend the next 20-odd years systematically being really nice to José. Step 2: Cristiano, you have to become arguably the greatest player of all time. Step 1: We all devote our lives to becoming world-class soccer players. And they’re all, “Uccch, Fonte, I hate that guy.” And then the lead 10-year-old, the head of the gang, calls them to order and says:Īll right, here’s what we’re gonna do. It’s like … imagine a bunch of Portuguese 10-year-olds in a room. The point is, congratulations to us-especially you, but also especially me-for being terrific.Īnyhow, this moment with Fonte after Ronaldo’s goal kind of has that We Don’t Like You Party vibe to it. Beloved, I think, really? I know personally, I possess a … a certain … indefinable cool, I believe it’s fair to say?Īt least no one has ever tried to define it, in my hearing. If I have one thing in common with all of you-with all the readers of this series-it’s that we’re all extremely socially desirable. That never happened to me, thankfully, in junior high. You know how you sometimes hear about, like, really mean junior-high kids inviting some other kid they don’t like to a party, and the other kid is like, “Oh my gosh, I’m finally part of the cool crowd,” and then it turns out that the whole point of the party is just to torment that kid? This only lasts a few seconds, but something about Fonte’s forlornness at this moment always stuck with me. ![]() So Fonte ends up standing by the touchline, kind of leaning wistfully toward his teammates while, like, gingerly clapping at them? Find your own soccer team to celebrate with. The Incredible Yet Strangely Merry Party Bus is all full up. This isn’t a case of some disgruntled anti-Ronaldo malcontent sullenly refusing to enjoy a great goal.įonte runs over to the corner flag with his arms outstretched, as if he’s going to join the group.īut before he reaches his teammates, one of them turns back and waves him away. Doesn’t take part in the collective euphoria. There’s one Portuguese outfield player who doesn’t join his teammates. What I remember most is something that happened on the periphery of the celebration. This big pile of hugging Portuguese players ends up spilling outside the touchline, near the barrier around the stands.īut what I remember about this moment is not really the goal or the human rotunda of celebrating players. Ronaldo does his trademark siu! celebration-you know, the one where he sort of skips once, then leaps into the air, spins around, and throws his hands down just before he hits the ground, like he’s transforming into the Incredible Hulk’s brother, the Equally Incredible Yet Also Strangely Merry Hulk?
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